nobody stole your cell phone

yesterday, right before school was to let out, a student told me that his cell-phone was missing out of his bag. he was upset. he was frantic. he was worried about the phone numbers of "all his ladies", and he was certain someone in the room had it.

(these students have me all day. so, there are no people trickling in and out. all the people who arrived, were still there at that moment. "that's some nice police work, there, lou.")

i told him to chill out, that we still had some work to do, and that i was calling the dean. i can search the students belongings, but cannot under any circumstances search their person: this is a bad idea even if the students give permission-- mostly because a student can still say you "touched" them during the search, and i dont want a multi-million fucking dollar lawsuit on my hands thanxverymuch.

i called down to the dean's office, whose handlers assured me would be up shortly. as we waited for over a HALF FUCKING HOUR, i searched their backpacks and purses. nothing.

as my natives grew more and more restless, i allowed them to call their parents to explain the situation, but none of them could leave until the dean searched them. finally the student calls his mother.

" hey mom. i'm still at school. we gotta search everybody because i think someone took my phone. yeah. uh huh. ok. thanks for telling me that."


"... guys: my mom says i left my phone at home."

as he bolted out the door, a collective groan went up, but a single person laughed: me.

today, the student showed up with capri-suns in an effort to reconcile with his classmates. he then stood up and apologized. what a mark of character!

funny. the other teachers and i were betting he wouldn't show today. how pleasantly surprised we all were. he gave us capri-suns too.

my first post in nearly a year is about piss

specifically, this post is about the piss i found in the math dept. supply room as i was leaving school today.

as i was walking to the stairs, i noticed that there was a single book at the top of the stairs, apparently carelessly mislaid or dropped by a student. i noted its lack of a barcode (hmm, not the school's then) and then noticed its esoteric subject matter: some treatise or another on muti-variable algebra. as i picked it up, i wondered how this ever got out of the math room.

as i walked back towards the supply room, i said hello to the maintenance crew, fixing the water fountain. they told me they needed to access the sink in the supply room, so to please leave the door ajar. when i got to the supply room, i noticed all the cabinet doors were open, and that a couple of books were on the floor.

when i entered, i smelt the pungent odor of piss, like that belonging to someone who doesnt drink enough water and too much soda, sick and fermented piss.

as i traced its foul origin, i discovered its source must have pissed on a stack of algebra books in the corner, books once destined for student hands, now tainted by the yellow fluid. the stream ran from the top of the books, flowed down the side, then pooled at the base of a cabinet, making a large puddle.

i questioned the maintenance men, who said they had seen "an old guy in a hat" inside the office, but had not seen anyone "suspicious," and that they had certainly not seen any students, the usual perpetrators of such a crime. however, as nothing was vandalized, destroyed or out of place, i doubt the crime was committed by a student. no, old guy in a hat is prime suspect no. 1.

suspect no. 2 is the maintenance guy himself.